I'm feeling inspired. I'm feeling inspired to write about...I'm not quite sure. My life maybe. Or maybe the fact that I am still able to have one. Last year at this time I was being released from the hospital. I weighed slightly over 100 pounds and was strongly advised to begin taking an anti-depressant. The cancer was gone but at the time it felt like my spirit was to. Instead of being grateful that I even got to celebrate Christmas I hoped and prayed to just stop existing. Because really what's the point of breathing when you're not really living?
This year the cancer is back but my spirit is alive. And kicking. And dancing. It's dancing like it's had one too many actually. Although I am not 100% as I sit and write this I am happy to be here. Genuinely happy to be a part of the Universe that I believe some crazy divine entity has created. I have been blessed with many who love me. My circle is small, but meaningful. The thought of leaving any of these amazing people makes me literally want to puke.
I am often in pain and there are days when I feel like whoever created me has given me too much garbage for one life time. Days when I think the Universe has been unjust in the cards it has dealt me. I have truly lived more than many double my age. I have dealt with so much loss and so much dysfunction in my 22 years that there are days I honestly believe I was put on this planet as some sadistic satisfaction to an unholy spirit. I do not mean to sound dramatic or whiny. But this is my blog and I can say whatever the fuck I want. The point is, this Christmas has reminded me of something that I have been forgetting lately. It has reminded me to always remember the little things that matter. The things that no matter how hard things get always make me smile. Things like my Dad surprising me at the hospital. Or my Mom making my favourite dinner when I visit. Or waking up to the amazing good morning texts I receive every day. Or mine and Betty's inside jokes. Or my friends surprising me with flowers. You get the point. The list goes on and on. I have forgotten that these are the things that truly matter. The moments where I am so full of love I feel like it should explode out of my ears.
I hope that this Christmas you felt that way. I hope that you felt so warm and fuzzy you actually thought maybe you had a fever. I hope you continue to feel this way and I hope you never forget to remember the little things. Merry Christmas to everyone who is bored enough to read this - May the Universe bring you health, happiness and love in the new year.
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