I will start by saying thank you to everyone who listened and respected that I needed some time to process everything. As much as I love and appreciate all of the support there are days when talking about everything just does me more harm than good.
So where do I start? As I said the cancer has continued to spread. What started off as three small tumours has spread into the bone and vertebrae in my lower back. Two of the tumours in my abdomen are gone, but the tumour that started this all will not respond to chemo. Radiation is no longer an option for it as it's already been radiated. Surgery has also already been tried and would put me at major risk. The chemo we tried was not able to destroy the tumour. I will now be doing radiation for the back portion and will hopefully be offered a clinical trial to try and treat the tumour in my abdomen.
As you can imagine this is some of the scariest news I have ever received. If a clinical trial is not available....I don't even want to think about what happens then. Basically we are out of options at this point. Because I have already had 25 rounds of radiation to my abdomen it is impossible to radiate there again. I am still unable to process this is in any meaningful way. After enduring what I have for so long I am just feeling very let down. After all my perseverance there comes a point where it begins to get really hard to stay positive. I am not sure if I am just supposed to start preparing for the worst or continue being hopeful to just be let down again and again.
Unfortunately this post doesn't have much feeling behind it. I am struggling to find meaning in something that has so tragically stolen a lot of my entire existence. I am hopeful that soon the pain will be gone and I can hopefully go back to work to maintain some sort of a life. My oncologist has said that school is not a good option at this point so with two days left of what should be my final semester ever I am again forced to delay my education. This time maybe forever. This also means the position I was likely going to be offered at my dream job in April is also being taken away from me.
This illness has consumed my life since 2012 and I am heart broken that I am forced to spend my new year and my 23rd birthday having more treatments. I am finding it difficult to look at this in a positive way at the moment. With cancer there are four main areas of general gradual decline; the diagnosis, the recurrence, clinical trials, and then finally...the end. We have reached the third level. Damn close to the end. After everything this cancer has remained smarter than us and continues to find ways to thrive. Our only hope at this point is alternative treatments and that is fucking horrifying. Should there be none or none that work...well we know what happens then.
This post is not to look for sympathy or worse, pity. I feel as though it is important for my friends and followers to know as this is quite heavy news. I am scared. I am petrified actually. But I am able to carry on each day a little better. At the end of the day the cancer is here no matter what. And if I only have a short time left on this earth then I choose to spend it having fun and laughing with those I love.
That's all that I really have at the moment. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can process this all a little better. I am focusing all of my energy right now on sending out good vibes into the Universe in the hopes that a miracle happens. Thanks to all for your continued support and I will be sure to keep everyone updated as things change in the next few weeks.
You are my favourite. Sending everything positive into the universe that I can.ReplyDelete